It's a good day.

Today is first day of spring. Golden rays of sunshine drop few drops on the green lawn yard of my rental house. Birds chirping, wings wide open. They are singing the song of spring. It seemed to be a good day for the first day of my new identity. I am living in the first few days of my 30. I hope this would be the sign of bad times will leave and good times will arrive soon. In the end, the best part on the morning is that you have a chance to a sip from your warm tea cup. That to me is a simple happiness. [[ I take a sip from my new set of china tea cup that I just received from my son. -> Scene 1.2]] <audio src="https://download-files.wix.com/_api/download/file?downloadToken=eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpc3MiOiJ1cm46YXBwOmU2NjYzMGU3MTRmMDQ5MGFhZWExZjE0OWIzYjY5ZTMyIiwic3ViIjoidXJuOmFwcDplNjY2MzBlNzE0ZjA0OTBhYWVhMWYxNDliM2I2OWUzMiIsImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTpmaWxlLmRvd25sb2FkIl0sImlhdCI6MTYwMjgyNDQ0OCwiZXhwIjoxNjAyODI1MzU4LCJqdGkiOiI4OTY2OTQ1OGQ2YzYiLCJwYXlsb2FkIjp7InBhdGgiOiIvcmF3LzRiZDkxYV9hMTIyN2JiYjRmYTg0NGFkYjZjODIyNWIxNTgyYzNiMS5tcDMiLCJpbmxpbmUiOnsiZmlsZW5hbWUiOiIyMzc0MzNfX3VydXBpbl9fc291bmRzLW9mLXRoZS1zcHJpbmctd29vZC1pbi1tb3Njb3ctYXJlYS5tcDMifX19.Na2kLKdPSqmG7itu5waJexgUogHiJ3-Q4gjOZ3lQHKY" autoplay>>

And all the beginnings start with an end of something so do I. Yesterday was my last day at the therapist. I had been a regular there for the last 3 years. Doctor Elise had been helping me through it, slowly created me of today. I can’t thank her enough. But saying thank you to someone is still no my strength. I went back to my room, tried to get into the deepest corner of the closet. The box is there all the time, I check it everyday so that I know I will never lose it or forget about it. The box is full of my unsent letters and a bunny cover notebook is there along with it. [[I take out a new piece of letter paper. -> Scene 1.3]] If I can not say thank to her directly, maybe this letter will reach to her instead. <audio src="https://download-files.wix.com/_api/download/file?downloadToken=eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpc3MiOiJ1cm46YXBwOmU2NjYzMGU3MTRmMDQ5MGFhZWExZjE0OWIzYjY5ZTMyIiwic3ViIjoidXJuOmFwcDplNjY2MzBlNzE0ZjA0OTBhYWVhMWYxNDliM2I2OWUzMiIsImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTpmaWxlLmRvd25sb2FkIl0sImlhdCI6MTYwMjgyNDQ0OCwiZXhwIjoxNjAyODI1MzU4LCJqdGkiOiI4OTY2OTQ1OGQ2YzYiLCJwYXlsb2FkIjp7InBhdGgiOiIvcmF3LzRiZDkxYV9hMTIyN2JiYjRmYTg0NGFkYjZjODIyNWIxNTgyYzNiMS5tcDMiLCJpbmxpbmUiOnsiZmlsZW5hbWUiOiIyMzc0MzNfX3VydXBpbl9fc291bmRzLW9mLXRoZS1zcHJpbmctd29vZC1pbi1tb3Njb3ctYXJlYS5tcDMifX19.Na2kLKdPSqmG7itu5waJexgUogHiJ3-Q4gjOZ3lQHKY" autoplay>

[[I wrote -> Scene 1.4]]:

“ From Karen, Dear Doctor Elise, how are you today? It was a little bit strange that I wrote this to you to ask about how are you doing instead of meeting you directly like the other days. The past 3 years went so fast yet so slow. It had been 3 years since the first time I met you. I was an alcoholic. I was intoxicated. At that time, I didn’t speak much English. I didn’t know how to read or write, and look with your efforts, now I knew them all. I couldn’t thank you enough for what you did to me. I became the best version of me, the woman that I always want to be. Past 3 years, you taught me a valuable lesson and [[I learn: -> Scene 1.5]]

“No one should bleed, should be humiliated or abused by anyone. And no one should hurt, should make fun or threat any single humans on this Earth. [[No one ... -> scene 1.6]]”

I had been both of them. [[The one who got hurt -> Story 1]]and The abuser . And the irony is that the one who got hurt is the one who want to hurt the others.

I was a child bride. My childhood was not great, but I enjoyed my moment with my family. We were poor. And poor is not enough to represent how penniless we were at that time. We depend on the fall harvest to gain income for the house. But for years and years, if natural disaster didn’t ruin it, insects and animal would do. We were poor but to me, at least we were [[a happy family -> Story 1.2]].

My family was a family of 9, there was mom, dad, 4 brothers, 4 sisters and me. We never, for once, experienced: “what is full?” At my house, at a certain age all of my sister disappeared without any word. Mom would take her out and came back alone. When asked about it, my mother would just say that she was living a better life. [[I didn’t know -> Story 1.3]] if they ever have a chance to come back but before I became a bride that not even one of them reappeared.

Every time one of my older sister disappeared, before that mom would make her onion butter to eat with bread. Bread and butter were never in our diet, it was only for special occasions like that. I never know that we would be sold to be the bride of more wealthy family till it happened to me. I was a child, I was always excited to get eat what my sisters described as rich, creamy and delicious. [[I still remember, I rushed to my mom every Sunday night and asked: -> Story 1.4]]

[[“Is it my turn to eat bread, Mom? Is my turn yet?” -> Story 1.5]]

Now when I remember it, I can just think of a bitter joy. Who would know that after that delight I became a wife to a yet born baby. I don’t remember much after the meal, none of them stayed in my memory. I was unconscious. The first thing that I can remember is that I woke up in the hay storage of a cottage house due to a wave of strange noise. It was dark inside the storage house, covered with the musty smell. Only the smallest particle of light and insects could enter through the crack of the doors. The hay storage had been a place I called home back in the day I was assigned as the wife of Henry. I tried to run outside to find my family, my house. Everything outside was different from the view I was familiar with. I ran outside. As [[I dashed out -> Scene 1.6]], a fierce woman in her maid uniform chasing behind me.

[[“Karen, Karen, Karen, … Where are you going?” -> Story 1.7]]

From that moment, I lived as Karen. I wasn’t the little girl from before. As the fierce maid hit her whip on me, I knew I could never go back to be a normal village girl. I tried to fight back to get away. To my innocence mind at that time, I thought of escaping, I thought of going home. But it was all useless. [[I couldn’t get away. -> Scene 1.8]]

I was forced to kneel down in front of an old man who seemed like was in his 60. Next to him, sit down to his knee is a pregnant woman who only seemed like in her 20. They were my mother and father in law. "So, this is my son's wife when he is born. Did she behave good and follow order in this house? I spent quite a lot to buy her from her parent, it better be a worth house maid for my son. Look, the one in here will be your future husband!" said the old man while pointing at the woman's belly [[I wasn’t able to understand his words at that time. -> Story 1.9]]

But I was angry, no one could force me to kneel. I yelled with all the power that I had to my father-in-law. I cursed with all the words that I knew in my short-8-years of my life. My father-in-law grabbed my mother-in-law hair, stated his words: "You better taught her to speak English. She better behaves well the next time I saw her or don't even think about seeing the light for the rest of your life." The woman cringed as his order was made, gently pull me toward her side. [[We quickly walked out of the cottage and re-enter the hay storage house. -> Story 1.10]]

Amisha sat me down and slowly explained to me: “You had been sold to the wife of my son. It was the tradition of this family to buy a wife for their sons. I was bought to the man when the last wife passed away. As long as my son was fine, you will be fine. Your parent had sold you here, they had all the right over you. You can try to escape but...” [[Amisha stopped her sentence. -> Story 1.11]]

She pulled up the pants sleeves to show me something. Her legs were covered in bruised, wound. Some bruised parts of her legs were even black, some concaved like something had eaten her flesh. "This was what I got when I tried to run away. If you didn't want to get hurt, don't do what I did. Behave and they will treat you well." [[I tried. -> Story 1.12]]

I tried and tried at first but escaping seemed so distance from what I was capable at that time. Every time I had a thought of running away, the physical pain came to stop me from doing it. Day by day, I slowly lost interested in the outside world. I only know the life inside the hay storage. I became less a human and more like a slave. More than a wife to Henry, I was more like a nanny to him. I had to take care of his need and if he became upset, my father-in-law would hit me with his whip or his bare hands. I became to rely upon alcohol to live through my day. Because at that time, if I was sober, [[I couldn’t realize who I was anymore. -> Story 1.13]]

Then I became pregnant with my son, Ivan. Ivan wasn’t expected in our life, both me and Henry’s. Even when I was pregnant, the abuse never stopped. We moved out of in-law house is an opportunity for Henry to beat me up more and more. To Henry, Ivan was a threat to his money, he tried to beat as hard as he could so that we would lose the child. To me, I never want a child. One because I was afraid that he would be in the same situation as I did and one because I am scared that he became like Henry when I grew up. The best I could do for him was sending him to school. [[Next -> Story 2]]

[[And I was a violent person. -> Story 2.1]]

I blamed Henry but I wasn’t better than him. I took out the anger that I had on myself, on Henry and threw it on the little Ivan. He was and is innocent. He loved his parents. I abuse him the same way as Henry and anyone in that family did to me. And the irony is that I didn’t think that it was my fault. I blamed Ivan. I blamed him to be my child. I blamed him to be ugly. [[The more I hated myself, the more I believed it was Ivan’s fault. -> Scene 2.2]]It was a slippery slope. The finger pointing, the screaming, the angry silences-they became more frequent and more thunderous.

I hit him with the bottle that I had in my hands. Rather than saying I loved you, I hit him. He never asked to get love from any of us. He just loved us unconditionally. I took that as a reason to blame him even more. In my intoxicated mind, he was the reason why my life was miserable. He was never that. Even when he was hurt my me, he always tried to let me know that I was loved. [[I wasn’t a good mom -> Story 2.3]], and I cannot claim I am now. But at that time, I was annoyed that I was loved, because love could not bring me out of that miserable.

Even at last day, he was with me, I was a violent person toward him. I threw him on the cold ground outside in the weather under 0 Degree Celsius. I yelled at him, I hurt him even more with my words. And that day, he collapsed. I wasn’t sober at that time. But I knew, I needed to call an ambulance. While he was carried on the ambulance, [[I was escorted by the police. -> Story 2.4]] Ivan went into a coma the next following day. He was never healthy and because of our abuse, his status became worse.

Both me and Henry ended up in the court with the accuse for child abuse crime. It was right we abused him. The days in the jail was the most sober I ever was when I got married to my husband. I knew I was wrong. I was sober to realized how wrong I was. And like every abusive person in this world, I blamed it on Henry. But I wasn’t thought it was my fault. And it was also my fault. The 10 days in jail, that was the most human I ever felt in my life. I was treated like a human. I had my rights. Ivan woke up from his coma. [[He asked to see me. -> Story 2.5]]

He came in to see me. I never realized how skinny he was before. I never know his age until that time. He was 8 at that time. He sat down, on the opposite side of me. Different from before, his back was straight, he no longer bended his back to avoid my contact anymore. He looked directly into my eyes. His eyes were then clear and bright like the sky when I was young, it’s no longer cloudy from all the tears that he cried. [[He asked: -> Story 2.6]]

[[“Mom, do you love me?” -> Story 2.7]]

He asked. He never asked anything from me. I was surprised. I couldn’t answer anything right at the moment he asked it. He grew. He grew into a better person. He was confident than ever before. I stared at him for a while. “Mom, seemed like you need to time to think. I will leave now. If you let everyone help you, if you call out for help, someone might be able to help you. Don’t keep it to yourself, Mom!”- [[he said as he stood up. -> Story 2.8]]

“I love you. I love you. But how can I love you when I don’t ever know how to love myself. I am not a human anymore. You deserve better than me.” [[I broke out my words. -> Story 2.9]]

[[“Maybe it is time for both of us to get a better life. I will always be there for you, Mom. And I know you will do so as well. But it is time for you to live your free life and it if for me as well. I will write to you.” -> Story 2.10]]

He left. He was more mature than I ever was in my life. What had I done to his little kid to force him to become this person? I was discharged after he left as they fought out I was a victim of an abusive relationship and the illegal human trade. He was right, I need help. Now I had a reason to fight. Ivan became my reason to become a better person that I could be. I called for help by an international organization and brought to you. He became adoptive son of the nurse that took cares of him in the hospital. I was his parent but she is his family. He wrote to me on every special holiday that we had. I received them all. I wrote back but never sent them. I afraid of hurting him again with my words. I sent him presents instead. I had a chance to go back to the house that I leave before to and discovered Ivan’s diary. All the things he ever wanted in life were so simple, yet I wasn’t capable to do it back then. [[I want to make up for what I had done. -> Story 2.11]]

Then I came to you. You made a better person than I did before. I got through my alcoholic past. I got the power to communicate with people. I started to earn salary, and a life on my own. I learned to drive, and I started to have companies along with me. I gained the confident to heal my relationship with my son. I am not a good mom, but I tried to cover what I had done wrong. Lindsey is more a mom that he deserved in his life. You had helped me through my darkest patch of my life. And I can not said thank you enough for what you had done for me. I hope that the next time we meet will be as friends rather than patient and doctor. Hope you a great health and I am looking forward to the next time we meet in person. Sincerely, [[Karen. -> Story 2.12]]”

I end my letter and put them in the envelop. Maybe it is also the time, I send my unsent letter. I put the mails in the box outside to send them. Left in the boxes, there is only a small bunny notebook in it. [[I closed the box and put it back into the closet. -> Story 2.13]] <audio src="https://download-files.wix.com/_api/download/file?downloadToken=eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpc3MiOiJ1cm46YXBwOmU2NjYzMGU3MTRmMDQ5MGFhZWExZjE0OWIzYjY5ZTMyIiwic3ViIjoidXJuOmFwcDplNjY2MzBlNzE0ZjA0OTBhYWVhMWYxNDliM2I2OWUzMiIsImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTpmaWxlLmRvd25sb2FkIl0sImlhdCI6MTYwMjgyNDQ0OCwiZXhwIjoxNjAyODI1MzU4LCJqdGkiOiI4OTY2OTQ1OGQ2YzYiLCJwYXlsb2FkIjp7InBhdGgiOiIvcmF3LzRiZDkxYV9hMTIyN2JiYjRmYTg0NGFkYjZjODIyNWIxNTgyYzNiMS5tcDMiLCJpbmxpbmUiOnsiZmlsZW5hbWUiOiIyMzc0MzNfX3VydXBpbl9fc291bmRzLW9mLXRoZS1zcHJpbmctd29vZC1pbi1tb3Njb3ctYXJlYS5tcDMifX19.Na2kLKdPSqmG7itu5waJexgUogHiJ3-Q4gjOZ3lQHKY" autoplay>>

Today is a good day. The sun smile at me, walks his golden shoes around the yards. The spring breeze comes to my door. Spring comes, ends the coldness of the winter and resets the cycle of nature. After the long winter, there is always spring waiting. -Fin- <audio src="https://download-files.wix.com/_api/download/file?downloadToken=eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpc3MiOiJ1cm46YXBwOmU2NjYzMGU3MTRmMDQ5MGFhZWExZjE0OWIzYjY5ZTMyIiwic3ViIjoidXJuOmFwcDplNjY2MzBlNzE0ZjA0OTBhYWVhMWYxNDliM2I2OWUzMiIsImF1ZCI6WyJ1cm46c2VydmljZTpmaWxlLmRvd25sb2FkIl0sImlhdCI6MTYwMjgyNDQ0OCwiZXhwIjoxNjAyODI1MzU4LCJqdGkiOiI4OTY2OTQ1OGQ2YzYiLCJwYXlsb2FkIjp7InBhdGgiOiIvcmF3LzRiZDkxYV9hMTIyN2JiYjRmYTg0NGFkYjZjODIyNWIxNTgyYzNiMS5tcDMiLCJpbmxpbmUiOnsiZmlsZW5hbWUiOiIyMzc0MzNfX3VydXBpbl9fc291bmRzLW9mLXRoZS1zcHJpbmctd29vZC1pbi1tb3Njb3ctYXJlYS5tcDMifX19.Na2kLKdPSqmG7itu5waJexgUogHiJ3-Q4gjOZ3lQHKY" autoplay>>